Why has it taken me so long to start a blog? Part of it is that I was scared. Scared for my story to be read by every micro chip with an I.P. address. Scared to share myself with the “judge now ask questions later” world that we live in. Why should I be scared? I have overcome so much and the only thing holding me back is me. Time to put these fears to rest and let go. Let go of my fear of inadequacy, fear of the unknown and fear of judgement. Writing a blog is such a small part of being able to let go but for me it is a way to publicly recognize these fears. A way to say I will not let these fears hold me back.
I chose the name Searching The Abyss for a few reasons. One of my all time favorite movies is Garden State. Zach Braff plays a young man, who in the beginning of the film, is working a dead end job in Los Angeles trying to become an actor. His mom dies and he is forced to travel home for her funeral. Throughout the movie his character is constantly feeling awkward and you can tell he never really feels free. Towards the end of the film there is a scene where he is at a quarry. No one knows the depth of this quarry but the man living there explores it every day in hopes of finding something new. As Zach Braff is leaving, standing in the pouring down rain he turns to the man and says “Hey Albert, Good luck exploring the infinite abyss” and the man responds “Thank you, Hey.. You too.” There is a moment of realization that we are all looking for something more in this vast world. You don’t need to be climbing into a black quarry with no end to be an explorer. Every day you wake up you are exploring, searching and redefining who you are. We may not know what we are searching for and we most definitely don’t know what we will find. When I set out with a particular plan in mind it is almost like clock work that the world tries to deter me. There are times when it can be annoying to be off course. But it’s in those times that I find the answers to my questions.
Reason two for Searching the Abyss.Why not exploring the abyss? I mean after all that is the quote in the movie right? For me I find the word searching implies more of an internal growth. I was telling someone about the domain name I had chosen and was asked “So, what are you searching for in the Abyss?” I was taken a little off guard (even though this is the most appropriate question anyone could ask), I did not know the answer to the question. What am I searching for? Have I chosen the wrong name if I can’t answer a simple question? After further thought I decided that to not know the answer is to know the answer. If I were to simply say “I am searching for enlightenment, happiness, money, fame, love….” then I would only be searching for a few particular things. So what would happen if I found them. Would I be done searching? In order for me to be ever changing and constantly evolving I need not to have my sights set on one particular goal, But rather be open to every experience that comes my way. Not just open to the experience but willing to learn from the experience. I could be the most experienced man in the world and not have any wisdom. It’s what I learn from said experiences that allows me to move forward.